I will now accept your questions.

In the grand tradition of of Strong Bad and Ask a Ninja I am now soliciting my loyal readers for questions . I realize that I'm just trying my hand at a worn out Internet cliche, but Howard Stern might claim to have invented anything else I do and sue me. I will post my answers to the best questions here to fill up space between my rants and movie reviews. And if I only get one question a month, that will be the "Best" by default.

Please send all questions to themightyapecod@gmail.com

Go ahead "Anonymous" fire away

Iron Man, you tease!

Spoiler Alert! You've been warned. And once again I started writing this a while ago and just got around to finishing now...


Iron Man.. was... AWEsome! Not as awesome as Transformers mind you and thus only worthy of a three capital letter awesome. And yes there was a heavy dose of liberal guilt induced political subtext that I could have done without. It runs under the assumption that clearly everybody couldn't possibly like someone who manufactures weapons, (despite weapons being also awesome), and therefore Tony Stark must have a cathartic moment in which he decides his corporation should stop weapons production, but I refuse to hold this against the movie. That would be a lot like expecting my dog not to lick her crotch; as she and the lefties in Hollywood just can't help themselves.

Robert Downy Jr. was freakin' great and rather than phoning it in brought his A-game. Just a few days ago I had a conversation with a woman who loved the movie once she "Got past Downy in this role." presumably because he was to high caliber of an actor for an action movie. I resisted the urge to explain that he was perfect for it, I've come to accept that people aren't going to start taking the genre seriously any time soon; so I'll just continue to wonder if there were any seven year old boys who dreamed of becoming an actor after they saw My Dinner With Andre! Its almost hard to believe that he had to screen test for the movie, but the producers weren't sure. Hmmmm weren't sure that a rich, witty, crass yet lovable substance abuser could play a womanizing billionaire playboy alcoholic .. oookay?

John Favreau's direction was well beyond what I expected, though the final combat sequence between Iron Man and Iron Monger was a bit anticlimactic. Otherwise the origin and development of the hero and suit was engaging and never got dull. And I was surprised to find out that his inspiration for which villain to use was Robocop 2, as I thought I was the only guy who would still admit to liking that movie.

I really came away from this film wanting more, 'cause this time around the usual level of embedded sequel "tease" was a full blown lap dance! One example: as Iron Man flies of to confront Iron Monger, Jim Rhodes (AKA Warmachine) is left in Tony's workshop with a silver prototype suit... looks right at it... then turns away and mutters "Next time". Now up until then I thought "Blue Balls" was a condition that could only be experienced in a sexual context; but not after that... ouch... I won't ruin the rest folks I'll just leave you with the my usual movie advice, stay until after the credits.

ApeCod 08, New Hope For Change

Today is not yesterday, but tomorrow it will be.

The time for change is not today but yesterday, and therefore today must be different for the sake of tomorrow, when yesterday will be today.

Hope is the instrument of change, hope for something that is unlike what has not changed and has remained the same.

Change makes things different because when something changes it is no longer like the things it used to be the same as.

Without change there can be no hope, without hope there can be no change.

Without change yesterday will be the same as today will be tomorrow; but with hope tomorrow will change and be less similar to yesterday than today.

Yet to have hope tomorrow today must not be like yesterday.

Only a hopeful yesterday will change tomorrow to a better today; for yesterday is in the past, tomorrow is in the future and today is right now. And the future is now, for today is tomorrow's yesterday.

Hope for change today will be memories of change when tomorrow is yesterday. A vote for ApeCod is a vote in hope for tomorrow to change so that today will be different than yesterday when tomorrow is in the past.

ApeCod today!

New hope for change!

Today...

Tomorrow...

and also...

The FUTURE!

Another less than complete thought

Speaking of ManBearPig...

This whole Hybrid car thing really boils my bunny. 35 mpg huh, well I drive a pure internal combustion driven vehicle that gets a paltry 28 earth cooking mpg. Boy oh boy do I feel guilty for not squeezing out that extra seven. Or I would feel guilty if global warming were not a hoax perpetuated by a radical socialist element that has completely co-opted the environmental movement in their unending war against free enterprise and personal liberty.

Electric cars worked fine, but the same hippies and rich liberals that are the intended market for hybrids completely rejected pure electrics. Proving once again that the above mentioned groups are as lazy and self-indulgent as the stereotypes imply. They can't be bothered to buy an electric because it takes hours to refuel instead of minutes; but a hybrid makes it look like they care while still providing instant gratification. In addition, the cost of disposal of hybrid batteries completely offsets the meager emissions gains, as they are filled with dangerous toxins. This is further compounded when you consider the emissions and chemical waste involved in their production.

Yet it is not the false pretenses under which these machines are made that troubles me.

Hybrid cars are Abominations in the eyes of God.

Let me explain.

Look at mules, the result of breeding horses with donkeys, a lot of work goes into producing one yet in the end it is infertile, stubborn and unproductive. Furthermore, every culture on earth has prohibitions against unnatural combinations. Just look in Leviticus, if God doesn't want you wearing garments made from more than one material, I'm absolutely certain that he would object to vehicles utilizing two different forms of energy for propulsion.

So... Its been a while...

Sorry folks, I've been busy and stressed out. But here are two thoughts I started but never really finished. And yes, I started several posts and just kept writing over them and that's why this one is dated January 4th! The actual date of this post is March 19th.

First...

Shall we see how long this stays up before I get sued...

Most of the best works of Science Fiction and Fantasy have as part of their background well developed fictional religions, or a least new interpretations of of old ones. Works such as Dune (Frank Herbert) or Song of Ice and Fire (George R. R. Martin) include sophisticated systems of belief and characters with various levels of interpretation of them. Ultimately, this makes the fictional universes created in these works more visceral and engaging.

Yet at times what started out as a plot device crosses the line into the real world. I many cases, an idea may be so real or so popular that individuals in the real world adopt the religious ethics from these works. The numerous plastic lightsaber wielding Star Wars nerds dressed in brown robes at SF conventions are a testament to this. Even despite the stigma, hundreds of thousands pridefully claim allegiance to George Lucas' clever if minimalist gestalt of Canterbury chivalry and Buddhist ethics.

This raises some important questions. What if the fans of a science fiction filmmaker or writer where to actually form an official religion based on one of these ideas? To think that thousands, if not millions of would readily adopt a philosophy that was understood to be totally bogus; and in most cases completely derivative of other well established belief systems. Then that these same individuals would believe so passionately that they would make it there purpose to stamp out all other religions and impose their own abstract ethics on all others, even to the point of ostracism and litigation if necessary. I'm not sure how successful a movement like that could be in the modern world, after all we are much better educated and informed these days. But still the question remains.

Maybe I should ask a Tom Cruise...

And Second...

Speaking of Star Wars and South Park... Am I the only guy who noticed that ManBearPig looks a lot like a Gamorean/Wookie hybrid?

For Robert

I just found out that Robert Jordan (born James Oliver Rigney, Jr) died in September...

My heart and prayers go out to his family, friends and in particular to his wife Harriet, whom he has dedicated every novel in his landmark Wheel of Time Series to.

In the years since I started reading Wheel, I have often jested that Jordan, as with other fantasy and science fiction novelists, would pass before he completed his Magnum Opus.

I now regret everything I ever said to that effect, my "gamer-geek" heart is broken and I am shamed for my callous assumptions.

His was a vision so vivid that I often dreamed I was living in the world he so skillfully brought to life, waking up reluctant to return to our own banal reality.

I first picked up book one, The Eye of the World while my wife was pregnant with our son, over seven years ago. I am a slow reader, yet I foresaw myself having more time at home to read and less time for going out and being young. Robert Jordan's novels became a source of stress relief and entertainment, as well as stimuli for my intellect and eventual return to college.

I had forgotten how much I loved to read...

I had forgotten the wonder I experienced as a child when I first saw Star Wars...

I had forgotten the fascination I felt the first time I played Dungeons and Dragons...

And I had abandoned my youthful optimism in the bowels of The X-Files and Matrix induced paranoia

...

When Rand first gazed upon Whitebridge, I remembered.

When Matrim sounded The Horn, I remembered.

When Perrin saved Emond's field, I remembered.

...

When Min fell in love, I remembered.

When Moiraine made her sacrifice, I remembered.

When Egwene was raised to the Amyrlin Seat, I remembered.

...

When the last novel in the "wheel" is published and is posthumously dedicated "For Robert",

I will remember.

...

The Wheel of Time turns, and Ages come and pass, leaving memories that become legend. Legend fades to myth, and even myth is long forgotten when the Age that gave it birth comes again. In one Age, called the Third Age by some, an Age yet to come, an Age long past, a wind rose.... The wind was not the beginning. There are neither beginnings nor endings to the turning of the Wheel of time. But it was a beginning."

Clerks vs. Jerks, or How I Spent my Summer Vacation

It's October folks, so naturally it's time for you to hear about my summer vacation! I bet you all thought it would never come!

This past summer I was forced to do something I swore I'd never do again, get another sales job.

The bills were a little higher this year than last, and it would be nice to keep running the air-conditioning all summer, and lets face it, I'd be miserable without my XBOX Live membership. So in an effort to remove some of our financial burdens, and hang on to necessities like video games, I found myself seeking employment.

The trouble was, that I was also responsible for the care of my son during the summer break form school and the cost of daycare would have canceled out any meager income I could bring home. Thus I was forced to seek out a night job, and one that was also low skill/low effort so it wouldn't interfere once I got back to school.

Enter the local franchise of a major video rental chain. I have my former boss from my last video store job to thank for this idea... that aside, they stay open pretty late so I can work decent hours after 5PM and the work is uncomplicated. Couple that with my irrational passion for movies, and it seemed perfect. Perfect except for the fact that it was still in fact a thankless crappy retail job.

People are selfish, spoiled inconsiderate jerks, especially rich housewives. Some might not act that way, but deep down they all want to be served and obeyed. Nobody respects sales clerks (No I will not use the term customer service representative or associate or some other politically correct slacktwaddle, they're fraking sales-clerks), not even other sales clerks; so when the above mentioned jerks (i.e. everybody) are forced to deal with sales clerks they become overwhelmed with a desire to be worshipped as a god. The following are all excerpts from actual conversations.

No answer to any question they ask is acceptable except the one they want. This conversation usually takes place with people whom have not bathed or washed their clothes in several days, and are probably jobless and using food stamps to by cigarettes...

Jerk: "Is Spiderman Three out yet?"

Clerk: "Not yet, it usually takes a few months, let me check the computer... Spiderman Three comes out on October 30th"

Jerk: (confused) "What!?! How is that possible? Transformers is already out!"

Clerk: "Sometimes studios will go with a quick release, sometimes they wait until Christmas."

Jerk: "Are you sure? That doesn't make any sense, don't you know that Spiderman Three was out BEFORE Transformers."

Clerk: "Yes I do ma'am, in fact I saw them both in the theater."

Jerk: "Are you sure your not thinking of another movie? Spiderman Three came out first."

Clerk: "Pretty sure..."

Jerk: "Well is there someone else I can ask?"

No apology is good enough for even the most insignificant transgression, unless it is accompanied by gifts... Negotiator types like lawyers, businessmen and general contractors.

Jerk: (on phone) "You left the security lock in my DVD rental, now it won't open and I've already driven all the way home!

Clerk: "I'm sorry sir, you can just break the box open."

Jerk: "Really I won't be charged?"

Clerk: "No sir, that was our fault, and we've got hundreds more cases where that came from."

Jerk: "Great, thanks I appreciate that... so do I get a couple of free rentals or what?"

They are always always always smarter than you... Usually people dumber than you.

Jerk: "I don't have my card and I'm from out of town, can I still rent if I give you my phone number?"

Clerk: "Sure, but I can't use your phone number, I need to see your ID."

Jerk: "Oh... well... I've just come from the Beach and I left my wallet in the car. Are you sure you just can't use my phone number?"

Clerk: "Well, I need some proof of identification in order to let you rent, also we store them by license number so I need to see the licence number of the primary card holder to even look it up."

Jerk: (angrily) "Fine, I'll go get it!"

Clerk: (after customer returns with licence) "I'm sorry sir there is no account with this number. Are you the primary card holder?"

Jerk: "No, my wife is. Can I just give you my phone number?"

Rich housewives that have never held a job are very used to getting everything they ask for... There is no reasoning with them, think of every negative stereotype about women, cuz' this gal's life is totally governed by them! I swear to you this conversation actually happened...

Mrs. Jerkingsworth: "Do you have Across the Universe?"

Clerk: "I don't think I've heard of that one, Let me look it up... I'm sorry ma'am, I'm not showing anything by that title."

Mrs. Jerkingsworth: "But it's called Across the Universe. I saw a commercial for it on my last rental."

Clerk: "Did the trailer give a date for release, or did it say coming soon."

Mrs. Jerkingsworth: "I don't know that, it was called Across the Universe."

Clerk: "Was the last movie you rented a new release?"

Mrs. Jerkingsworth: "What is that movie, I didn't rent that movie."

Clerk: "No no, I asked if it was a new release."

Mrs. Jerkingsworth: "How would I know that!?! I just came and got it here."

Clerk: "Was it on the wall along the store under the 'New Release' signs"

Mrs. Jerkingsworth: "I think so, but I don't think that's what it was called, I'm looking for Across the Universe."

Clerk: (after checking the return pile and finding only one movie) "Was this the movie you rented?"

Mrs. Jerkingsworth: (surprised) "Yes! That's it, now I can show you. Put it in your player here."

Clerk: "O... K..." (reluctantly stops loop DVD and lets the trailers play over the store monitors.)

The trailer for Across the Universe now runs and is several minutes long, it finally ends with the words 'Coming Soon'.

Clerk: "It said 'Coming Soon' and the movie it's on is a new release, Across the Universe is not out on DVD yet."

Mrs. Jerkingsworth: "When will you know?"

Clerk: "I have no idea, it's probably coming to theaters first so we won't get any information until after that's over."

Mrs. Jerkingsworth: "Coming where?"

Clerk: "To theaters"

Mrs. Jerkingsworth: "What does that mean."

Clerk: "In movie theaters."

Mrs. Jerkingsworth: "Oh the movies, so when is that?"

Clerk: "I don't know, the trailer said 'Coming Soon'."

Mrs. Jerkingsworth: "So you don't know?"

Clerk: "Nope."

Mrs. Jerkingsworth: "When will you know?"

Clerk: "Soon."

I will definitely never see Across the Universe (its a stupid pseudo musical about political strife in the sixties, so you can guess where I stand on that one). To be honest though folks, this is just the tip of the iceberg.

But I'm running out of time... I've got to go to work.