What I Remember

"A plane hit the World Trade Center." Said Linda, moments after picking up her phone. I remember thinking it must have been a small aircraft that hit the World Trade Center in Boston, after losing control leaving Logan Airport; only blocks away from my desk at Gillette World Headquarters in Southy. Linda Ananian's desk was directly across from mine, I looked up and knew I was wrong as soon as I made eye contact. "Turn on the radio," she said.

I don't remember if I realized it was a terrorist attack before or after the second plane hit, but I remember the sick feeling in my gut when it sunk in. "This wasn't an accident" I said, to nobody or anybody, I don't know. Maybe I just needed to convince myself that this was real. "It gets worse." said the voice on the radio when flight 77 hit the Pentagon. I had just enough time to process the fact that we were going to war.

I did my best to keep working. Later my father, whom I was working for at the time, came to find me in our office and with a somber look said, "They've got a TV upstairs." We made it there just before the South Tower collapsed. "That can't happen," my father said in disbelief.

all those people...

I told dad I couldn't stay in the city anymore, and made my way with the rest of the crowd to South Station. My cell phone rang a few times when news spread that they evacuated the Gillette offices at the Prudential Center, but I didn't feel like talking. I heard through other travelers that another plane came down in Pennsylvania and the North Tower collapsed. I couldn't speak, couldn't think, couldn't contribute. Me, a guy who can't shut up, had nothing to say. My head was in a cloud, this really happened: after the end of the Cold War, after a decade of relative worldwide prosperity and peace, after starting a family, buying a house and starting a new career, I was forced to come to terms with the very real possibility that things weren't going to keep getting better.

I knew that these events would have far reaching consequences: There would be an economic cost that would take years to recover. Culturally we were going to get a lot more paranoid. War. And there would be a toll in human lives so great that it would touch all of our lives, either directly or by proxy.

I was fortunate, I learned within hours that my cousin Cara, a resident of Manhattan at the time was safe, despite being in that part of town that day. It was a day or so before I learned that my friends Chris and Lyssa were okay. I hadn't really talked to them in years, but I was overwhelmed with relief to hear they were unharmed. Some of us weren't so lucky, Helen Zarba, on of my coworkers, lost her brother-in-law Christopher on Flight 93.

Driving home from the train station that day was a surreal experience: the radio had gone wall to wall with the coverage on every station with no music or commercials, the traffic was thin, drivers seemed to be deliberately keeping their distance from one another and nobody was speeding. The entire world was distracted. Collectively we all had to come to terms with what happened, work it into our minds and still try to live our lives. There are those not as profoundly affected as I was, and those that were more so, but the events of that day had consequences that would effect everyone.

I remained in that cloud the rest of the day, I called my wife, we talked for a bit and reassured each other that we were both alive. I drove to my infant son's daycare, and filled in his provider, Liz on what was happening. She had only heard a bit of the news since she couldn't have the TV or radio on with the kids around. I picked up my baby boy and hugged him, put him in the car and drove home. My car at the time had glass roof T-tops, at ten months old my son found the imagery passing overhead a delight, positioned as he was in his infant carrier. He giggled a few times and it lifted my heart. I pulled into my driveway, looked over at his innocent face, blissfully unaware of the days events, or of any other wrongness in the world, and just happy to see his daddy.

And I wept.

36 Movies Reviewed in Four Words or Less

Your explanation for my months long absence? The doctor says I should try to avoid politics. Otherwise real papers for real college courses have been ebbing my creative flow.

So, to address the wanton lack of long promised and never delivered movie reviews; here are the films released in 2010 that I've seen and didn't otherwise cover. In order of release date, reviewed in four words of less.

1. The Book of Eli: God loves Mad Max.

2. The Tooth Fairy: God hates Dwayne Johnson.

3. Extraordinary Measures: Extraordinary boredom.

4. Legion: Just watch "The Prophecy."

5. Edge of Darkness: Wicked retahded Gahbage.

6. From Paris With Love: Not Travolta's second comeback.

7. Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief: Stole my 118 minutes.

8. The Wolf Man: AAAAAOOOOOOooooooo zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

9. Cop Out: Dear Kevin Smith, stop.

10. The Secret of Kells: A Masterpiece, see it.

11. Alice in Wonderland: Same crap, new hat.

12. Hot Tub Time Machine: TWO DOLLARS!

13. How to Train Your Dragon: Adaptation decay in 3D!

14. Clash of the Titans: Eye-catching, yet soulless fun.

15. Date Night: Talent thoroughly wasted.

16. Kick-Ass: Did!

17. Iron Man 2: Not Enough War Machine!

18. MacGruber: MacStupid.

19. Get Him to the Greek: Another third act abortion.

20. The A-Team: More like A minus.

21. The Last Airbender: Raped childhoods and franchises.

22. Despicable Me: De-skippable-me.

23. Predators: Vs. the Franchise Reboot.

24. The Sorcerer's Apprentice: Mickey had more soul.

25. Inception: The year's best film.

26. Salt. Jason Bourne with boobies.

27. Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore: woof...

28. The Expendables: Was.

29. Vampires Suck: So did this movie.

30. Scott Pilgrim vs. the World: Gave me a nerdgasm!

31. Centurion: The 9th legion... again...

32. Alpha and Omega in 3D: Σκατά in 3D.

33. Megamind: Never mind.

34. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1: End already...

35. The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader: Parables, ON A BOAT!

36. Tron: Legacy: Light-jets! Daft Punk!

ApeCod 08, New Hope For Change

Today is not yesterday, but tomorrow it will be.

The time for change is not today but yesterday, and therefore today must be different for the sake of tomorrow, when yesterday will be today.

Hope is the instrument of change, hope for something that is unlike what has not changed and has remained the same.

Change makes things different because when something changes it is no longer like the things it used to be the same as.

Without change there can be no hope, without hope there can be no change.

Without change yesterday will be the same as today will be tomorrow; but with hope tomorrow will change and be less similar to yesterday than today.

Yet to have hope tomorrow today must not be like yesterday.

Only a hopeful yesterday will change tomorrow to a better today; for yesterday is in the past, tomorrow is in the future and today is right now. And the future is now, for today is tomorrow's yesterday.

Hope for change today will be memories of change when tomorrow is yesterday. A vote for ApeCod is a vote in hope for tomorrow to change so that today will be different than yesterday when tomorrow is in the past.

ApeCod today!

New hope for change!

Today...

Tomorrow...

and also...

The FUTURE!

Another less than complete thought

Speaking of ManBearPig...

This whole Hybrid car thing really boils my bunny. 35 mpg huh, well I drive a pure internal combustion driven vehicle that gets a paltry 28 earth cooking mpg. Boy oh boy do I feel guilty for not squeezing out that extra seven. Or I would feel guilty if global warming were not a hoax perpetuated by a radical socialist element that has completely co-opted the environmental movement in their unending war against free enterprise and personal liberty.

Electric cars worked fine, but the same hippies and rich liberals that are the intended market for hybrids completely rejected pure electrics. Proving once again that the above mentioned groups are as lazy and self-indulgent as the stereotypes imply. They can't be bothered to buy an electric because it takes hours to refuel instead of minutes; but a hybrid makes it look like they care while still providing instant gratification. In addition, the cost of disposal of hybrid batteries completely offsets the meager emissions gains, as they are filled with dangerous toxins. This is further compounded when you consider the emissions and chemical waste involved in their production.

Yet it is not the false pretenses under which these machines are made that troubles me.

Hybrid cars are Abominations in the eyes of God.

Let me explain.

Look at mules, the result of breeding horses with donkeys, a lot of work goes into producing one yet in the end it is infertile, stubborn and unproductive. Furthermore, every culture on earth has prohibitions against unnatural combinations. Just look in Leviticus, if God doesn't want you wearing garments made from more than one material, I'm absolutely certain that he would object to vehicles utilizing two different forms of energy for propulsion.

"High Brow"

I own two versions of the bible, the King James and New International Version.

I was recently asked to compare the two by a fellow student. My response was quite possibly the "smartest" joke I've ever told.

"Well," I said "Although it is probably less accurate to the original Greek and Hebrew, I prefer the King James; it reads like Shakespeare. The NIV comes off like a bad translation of the Oresteian Trilogy."

Nobody laughed.

New England as a dysfunctional family

New Hampshire - Your cool hunting buddy who's always good for a brew and a stogie.

Vermont - New Hampshire's hippie little sister that's so fucking hot you just want to be around her. Despite the fact that when she opens her mouth, you want to slap her silly.

Maine - Their Dad, who after his divorce went a little nuts, moved into the mountains and turned into a hillbilly.

Massachusetts - Their Mom who, in addition to having a colossal ego, has almost completely forgotten that Vermont, New Hampshire and Maine exist, unless its an election year.

Connecticut – Massachusetts’s rich Jewish lawyer husband

Rhode Island - Massachusetts’s and Connecticut’s new little boy that everybody likes even though he refuses to bathe.

I am all that is Man!

What follows is the first of many reposts from my old blog.

Amongst men, it is common to test one's mettle against that which would make all but those of the most profound intestinal fortitude recoil in disgust! For we, who would easily place our bodies in the most unpleasant of physical circumstances (be it in the name of sport or in the pursuit of those of the fairer sex); are often otherwise overwhelmed by circumstances that would place our person (or olfactory facilities) in contact with any of the multitudes of repulsive substances.

But lo, there comes a time when a man is forced to make a choice: Suffer the consequences of a quandary unsolved; or acquire the difficulty into his own realm of manipulation and, risking the often unbearable consequences, resolve the matter by his hand alone.
To choose the former is not folly and would not reduce his status, however; to chose the latter, the man may yet gain a far greater position of acclaim amongst his peers.

So it is with a great eruption of pride that I, the humble servant of the common good and devout protector of his household. Faced with a member of the canine persuasion who, through no fault of her own, was afflicted with an overabundance of scent marking fluids, bravely placed my glove'd hand about her reward orifice and, in order to relieve her suffering and mine own, squeezed and drained her anal-sacs.