Boredom Srikes Everybody

Fortunately we have cell phone cameras and the interwebs, here are a few I've snapped.

There is just something wrong about the name of this place, but I can't put my finger on it.


Merge fail


CAUTION: FAILURE TO COMPLY WILL RESULT IN IMMEDIATE DE-RESOLUTION!

Check This Out!

Somebody finally found a use for twelve-sided dice!

http://homedecor.cafepress.com/item/d12-rpg-dice-clock/26797947

(You'll have to drag it, Blogspot won't let me link it for some reason.)

Oh, and Fourth Edition is an Abomination! Just like hybrid cars, Mega Man legends, and every Metallica album after ...And Justice for All.

...and Starring Megan Fox's Hotness

Apparently she gets topless in Jennifer's Body... I'm sure other stuff happens, but who cares?

Actually I'd like to use this opportunity to expound upon issues I've addressed in the past.

Megan Fox is hot, there is no arguing with that: face-melting, mind-bending, coma-inducing-state-of-arousal-hot. But I wish every girl and most women in the country would stop obsessing over being like her. Most guys talk a good game, but when it comes down to it we all know what it's like being with a woman like that...

Suffering...

High maintenance doesn't even begin to describe it. To hang on to a chick like that takes a herculean effort. Why? She knows she's hot, and that is the worst thing ever because she doesn't think she ever needs to try and make anyone else happy.

And she's right.

Not matter how hard any man tries, there will always be another waiting to try harder. Her options are every man on the planet. To keep the Greek mythology metaphor going; imagine rolling a heavy stone up a hill for eternity much in the way Sisyphus was cursed to, only in this case the stone keeps nagging you with "If you can't do this, I can find a real man who can!" refuses to perform oral, flirts with your boss and constantly emasculates you with jibes about going lesbian because "no man is good enough."

Here's a news flash, most men actually like a woman with some meat on her. She might not cause seizures in seventeen year-old boys, but at least she appreciates a delicious cheeseburger cooked over an open flame. And she probably also has the ability to control what she says in public or in front of a journalist. One of the worst (and best) things about blazingly hot scorch-cakes like Ms. Fox is that everybody will forgive her when she says something stupid, so they say stupid things all the time! Seriously, just Google "Megan Fox quotes" and you'll understand.

The only reason women have a reputation for being stupid and irrational, is because men will tolerate that behavior in order to get sex. Trust me ladies, we don't let you win every fight because we think you're always right!

Yeah she's hot, but she's not relationship material.

Firefighters get lots of poon, lots and lots and lots, woman everywhere melt like butter on toast when a man walks in with a badge and suspenders. But if you look at the women firefighters eventually marry; they're all plain, chubby and most likely dynamite in both the sack and the kitchen.

And that's the kind of woman a real man picks when he has options.

"Well, I have the only seat belt here... Safety first."
-TMA

A Few More Open Letters

To: Hollywood

START listening to your fans! The video game industry has figured this out and is kicking your ass! Why did Alien III suck? Because the director wanted to make a movie closer to Alien and audiences wanted a movie closer to Aliens. I could keep going, but I'll stop there.

To: All women everywhere

START caring more about the length of your hair than the size of your bosom. And yes, I know I'm beating a dead horse!

To: Harmonics

START to look at your competition, they didn't put all there eggs in a single band basket, especially one that is spiraling ever downward into cultural irrelevancy...

Oh yeah I so totally just dissed The Beatles! :P

Which reminds me...

To: Baby-Boomers

START waking up. You are not the rebels anymore, you're the establishment.

That reminds me again...

To: White middle-class college students

START an new revolution. Being a raging left-wing Marxist nut-case isn't rebellious anymore, it's not even unusual, it's the new status-quo on college campuses across the country. You're not shocking anybody into changing their worldview when you stop shaving, put on a Che Guevara T-shirt and become a vegan, nobody cares.

To: Wiggers, Guidos, white kids with dred-locks and assorted non African-American Wannabees.

STOP...

...

... seriously, your penis isn't getting any bigger...

-With apologies to my friends in both the Marxist and Urban communities
-TMA

For the Record

If you're wondering why I haven't reviewed G.I. Joe yet, it's because I haven't seen it and I'm not going to. G.I. Joe was, is, and forever should be America's highly trained special mission force, "International Team" = "G.I. Joe In Name Only" = not getting my nine bucks. I've had it with Hollywood writers hatin' on America, I really really am. But fear not, I'm still pressuring someone else who has seen the movie (and despised it) to guest review it for me. keep your fingers crossed!

I'm Not Gay But My Avatar Is

Something for all of you to chew on while I work on my biannual rant about politics

I’m not gay, but my avatar is

He’s handsome and buff and has fabulous hair

I’d sure like to trade my body with his

I’ve done all the work, it doesn’t seem fair

Alternative lifestyle choices aside

Blood elves are already halfway

But a warlock’s status as on the dark side

Stereotypically reinforces his status gay

All the time he spends on his appearance

Makes it clear he likes to hang back from a fight

And gives his man slave voidwalker the clearance

To flex, and sweat, and agro all night

Sometimes a succubus likes to tag

On fetish night they met

Turned out she was a bit of a hag

Nice dps but can’t hold any threat

An enchanter and wielder of dark nether forces

He keeps rods, staves and wands on his shelf

He rides into battle upon flaming horses

Do you like his attire? He made it himself.

Just When You Thought it Was Safe

I'm back!

Where have I been...

the World of Warcraft...

I'm not proud of it, and I'm sure everybody thought that it was something larger, like my major life changes, a bout with depression or possibly even radically communist brain-washing. Well it wasn't, I've adapted to my new life, I'm still just as crazy as I've always been and no commie is ever gonna get the drop on me. Rest assured, it was all Blizzard's fault, evil, wretched, abominable, awesome, adorable, glorious Blizzard. A company that has swallowed an estimated 4.632 years of my life, and probably staved off the loss of my virginity for at least 2. And no, I don't plan on quitting either, I just plan on coming up for air more often.

On to movies I'm sure you've been waiting for.

Meanwhile in a Town Called Spoons
I made a lot of fun of Twilight... a lot... having never seen it. So in an effort to defend myself from critics I not only watched the film, but also read the book prior to viewing it. The result, I am now prepared to trash this latest piece of pop-culture bubble-gum more than ever before.

In her defense, Stephanie Meyer puts together a tight, expertly paced, compelling narrative supported by well developed three-dimensional characters who drive the plot with the depth of their complex personalities and interactions...

Just kidding, this is quite possibly one of the most contrived, derivative and shamelessly exploitative piles of guano I've ever had to wade through. First off there's Bella: plain, awkward, clumsy and self-conscious. She also lacks any hobbies, interests or special qualities that would make her interesting beyond the "new girl". In short she was specifically constructed to identify to a teenage girl lowest common denominator. Then there is sad old Eddy, he's beautiful, he's brilliant, he's brooding, he's got supper-powers... and oh yeah, the only thing he's interested in is what's on Bella's mind! And am I the only one who thinks its a bad idea that he finally wins her over by stalking her? Plus don't forget the supporting cast of one-dimensional teen drama archetypes fleshing out "Forks 90210", and the mind-numbingly exploitative Native-American werewolves. Letting a fourteen year old girl read this series is the functional equivalent of buying a fourteen year old boy a subscription to Hustler magazine.

The film version did nothing to soften any of this, and do to a high yet not unprecedented level of adaptation decay, improved it in no way at all. If you want to watch something about vampires, watch True Blood, a show about sex that also happens to have vampires in it... and Anna Paquin topless, hubba-hubba.

To Boldly Go Where Someone Has Gone Before
Star Trek... AWESOME! I have no complaints really, say what you will about remakes but the series needed reinventing. It had to be done, otherwise the franchise would have died, yet it took a lot of "boldness" to tackle the project in the face of so much history. As a HUGE fan of Lost I can say I was excited when I heard J.J. Abrams was heading up the production, and I wasn't let down. I know what you're saying, "But Ape, more time travel?" well this time it worked, and created an opportunity for a character to actually comment that an alternate universe was created. Most call that fan-service, and it is, but here is what I think...

I needed Kirk back, the fans needed Kirk back and America needed Kirk back. Right on Jimmy you go get you some green chick!

Salvation for Some, Not so Much for Others
Now I'm not a huge fan of the Terminator series, in fact I disliked T2 so much that I actually liked T3 better. Salvation... Remember what I said about some series' needing new life... Well sometimes you should just put a bullet in one to prevent further suffering. Now I didn't really hate Terminator: Salvation, but I didn't really like it either. As much as I've had it with time travel, isn't that one of the core plot elements of the series? And the characters were stupid, really really stupid.

Johnny Reb: Leader of a small band of rebels against the might of an unstoppable army of amoral killer machines... A small band of rebels that is also supported by a well equipped and well organized global resistance that Johnny still seems compelled to also rebel against. Because remember kids rebelling against authority is cool, even when the price might be the extinction of your entire species.

Frankenstein: Half-man-half-machine-serial-killer-with-a-heart-of-gold, who in the end just wants to be a real boy!

The Kid: Everybody loves The Kid, every time it's done, in every movie ever. So how do you make The Kid even better... add another, younger kid!

Jet Girl: Loves Frankenstein because he's a monster and lets face it, that's the most masculine thing ever. "He's a murderer, but I can change him." Apparently she attended the same all-girl prep school as Padme Amidala.

Mrs. Dr. Lady: Because Johnny needs a love interest, and the audience needs to be annoyed.

General Jerkingsworth: Portrayed by none other than Michael Irnonsides! His purpose? To represent authority as evil and untrustworthy and serve as the "poor dumb bastard" whose death teaches the lesson that no war can be won unless you believe the in magic of love.

Helena Bonham Carter: Because she's scary looking and the villains needed a face.

A good moment, Giant mecha-bot trashes a gas station then poops out motorcycle bots to chase our escaping heroes. The whole sequence from start to finish is about 20 minutes and was pretty awesome. Also Schwarzenegger's cameo caused a number of geek-outs in the audience, including yours truly, though I think one of my friends may have experienced rapture.

T2 Too:
Way back in 2007 the Michael Bay and the writers of Transformers scrambled to complete a script for its inevitable sequel due to the impending strike threatened by the WGA. Well on November 9th of that year it happened and it was pencils down. "Thankfully" they had a script and preliminary filming could begin. I remember commenting that the end result might end up choppy and incomplete...

The end result looked choppy and incomplete...

It definitely needed a re-write or three. Not to say I disliked the film, in fact I even enjoyed it. But it was a pale shadow of its predecessor. There was just five too many comic relief characters, and rather than assign that role to old favorites who barely made appearances, they gave it to relative unknowns in the franchise Skids and Mudflap. A lot of people called these characters racist, as both had their appearance and personalities altered to resemble wise-cracking urban youths; but I stand by the assumption that the whole reason for doing so was to increase the appeal of the film to an urban market. Still I laughed at them anyway, despite myself...

Not all was lost though: we got a new and super menacing version of Devastator that made stunning use of Mixmaster's unique characteristics, The Matrix made an appearance, Frank Welker voiced Soundwave as Dr. Claw (a double reference!), and the over the top violence was spec... wait for it... tacular! It always amazes me what filmmakers can get away with doing to robots in a PG-13 film (especially when child psychologists will point out that most kids don't make a distinction between the human and robotic characters). And when Wheelie looked up at Jetfire and stated in awe, "This guy is a legend" it was my turn to geek-out in rapture.

And Finally
Official prediction on G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. the film will be compromised by the producers efforts to pull in both a foreign audience and a patriotic mid western American one.


"I know now why you cry"
-TMA