Okay, I'm Done Gushing,

We now return to our regularly scheduled (yeah right) poor attempts at humor.

I loved the Lost finale, it was fulfilling in its open-endedness (no really) but read last Monday's blog if you want my emotional analysis. I'm now gonna give it, the series and its fans some good natured ribbing. Like an old friend that has recently past away, and would have wanted his buddies to get hammered at his funeral, and tell all his embarrassing stories in front of his widow, eight kids and two dozen grandchildren, 'cus ya'know, Lost was a working class Irish catholic [citation needed].

Ana Lucia was actually in the final season, in the "crossover" universe, was she not worthy to venture on to the other side? lets not forget Micheal, Mr. Eko and a whole host of other casualties not present in the church, did they go to hell? You gotta think that Paolo and Nikki deserved to move on after being buried alive...

Nah screw that, Paolo and Nikki deserve to burn!

WHERE THE F#&K WAS WALT!?! Seriously, that is a huge hole! I know Malcolm Kelly is eighteen now, but they could have worked him in somewhere. The kid had magic powers that were never really explored, are you telling me that whatever magic that constituted the "consciousness" of the Island didn't want him back?

Speaking of which... What was the light exactly? Some holy rock sent by God to contain an ancient demon, or block a doorway to hell? that doesn't really explain the electromagnetic anomalies...

But I've got a theory on that one-

-Buried under the heart of the Island is a pyramid mother-ship, containing a partially ascended Goa'uld in stasis within a resurrection sarcophagus. The chamber and the stone are actually artifacts of Ancient technology that generate a powerful magnetic field that immobilizes the ship and imprisons the symbiote and its host. All of Jacob's, and presumably now Hurley's, supernatural powers and abilities actually came from an ascended Ancient that has stayed behind to watch over the island, but chooses to only influence things indirectly. The Monster, was in fact a bi-product of the contained partially ascended being attempting to break out of the prison. Hemorrhaging dark side tainted midichlorians in the process, that naturally sought out either old men, or whiny, brooding loners as host bodies.-

-Just kidding, but if you guys want I can follow this up with my even more convoluted explanation of how the plots of The Terminator, Robocop and The Matrix could all be part of the same continuity without making use of alternate universes.

Anyway, I guess they didn't want the church too crowded, I'm guessing if they tried to chase down everyone that deserved to be included in that crowd it would have been a logistical nightmare.

It's only a show after all.

Which is what was so annoying about everybody who was trying to figure it all out from day one. The most egregious offenders being those that made the claim that "they were all dead," and "in hell" or some form of purgatory, or it was "just a dream." That's just f#@king stupid people! It's called Deus ex Machina, a literary device an author uses when he or she can't think of an ending. It's universally considered to be almost impossible to pull off without it seeming like a cop-out (I'm talking to you M. Night Shyamalan). So I ask all of you this, would you have been happy if they really were all in hell?

Incidentally, if you're unfamilliar with Dante's Divine Comedy, he places hell directly underneath Jerusalem, with "The Beast" imprisoned in ice at the center of the earth. Purgatory is described as being a mountain on the opposite side of the earth from Jerusalem, that was thrust up from the ocean floor from the force of God casting Satan into the center. The opposite side of the earth from Jerusalem is in fact in the middle of the south pacific so calling the Island purgatory would actually be a fairly high brow reference... but still stupid.

Which is why I'm glad the Island was the real world, and the slip sideways wasn't.

So my advice to the prognosticators; just stop, stop second guessing the plots of good shows, and stop that right now and don't do it again. Don't read the spoilers for Transformers 3 (here's a hint, shit blows up and Megan Fox looks hot). Don't google to find out who the next Batman villain will be (It's Riddler or Penguin). Don't read the novelization of the script two weeks before the next Star Trek movie (it won't be considered cannon anyway). And for the love of God, stop tweeting me speculative crap you've read on superherohype.com (no offense superherohype).

Let the writers tell you, when the writers want to. Let the events unfold at their intended pace and don't ever, ever read the spoilers. Try it next time, you'll thank me. Nobody will care if you don't shout "I knew it!" at the very end.



"What is the Matrix?"
"That shiney thing in Prime's chest."
"Just take the damn pill."
-TMA